David Answers His E-Mail

Whoa... I just woke up from a horrible dream. A bizarre nightmare...like some strange horror movie I'd seen before, where I was intimately familiar with the characters, yet I didn't know the ending.

Yes. I know it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon, but give me a break. Campaigning is hard work and I'm very tired.

I'm going to need some time to sort out this dream thing before I tell you about it. Maybe in a week or so... In the meantime, let's see what's in my email inbox...

__________________________________________

To: david@davidpepper.com
Fr: phil@hamiltoncounty.gov

RE: See attachment

David, I saw this picture and thought of you.

Sincerely,

Phil Heimlich
President, Hamilton County Commission

Attachment: courtverdict.jpg





To: phil@hamiltoncounty.gov
Fr: David Pepper

RE: See attachment

Dear Phil,

I am not gay. Just because I live in my parent's basement, I have no wife or girlfriend, and I've spent a lot of time in San Fransisco doesn't make one homosexual.

Nevertheless, I offer you the following attachment as a "peace offering."

Enjoy,

David Pepper

Attachment: nukefinger.jpg



_______________________________________________

To: david@davidpepper.com
Fr: johnpepper@disney.com

RE: Fatherly Advice

Son,

I am so proud of you for taking on that sonofabitch Phil Heimlich. The campaign is going to get very rough in these last few weeks, and I want you to be ready.

I am haunted by the memory of the time you ran for Mayor and lost to that sonofabitch Mark Mallory, and I don't want it to happen again. When Mallory implied that you were a homosexual Nazi racist, I don't think you reacted very well. Don't let Heimlich bait you into crying in public like Mallory did. He made a mockery of you.

Love,

Dad

P.S. I left your allowance on the kitchen counter. Don't spend it all on one TV station.


To: johnpepper@disney.com
Fr: David Pepper

RE: Fatherly Advice

Dad,

Thanks for the kind words. I promise I won't screw up this time!

Love,

David
__________________________________

To: david@davidpepper.com
Fr: bridget@davidpepper.com

RE: Embarrassing Photo

David,

There is a photo circulating on the internet of you posing with Frisch's Big Boy. If true, this could be very embarrassing for the campaign. I don't have any clue what to do about it.

-Bridget

P.S. Why is Leslie Ghiz constantly hanging around the campaign office these days?



To: bridget@davidpepper.com
Fr: David Pepper

RE: Embarrassing Photo

Bridget,

I've seen the photo you are talking about and it is indeed embarrassing. I do have a plan though... I'm going to fight fire with fire and "pre-empt" any nefarious use of the photo by making a joke with it right now - long before the voters start paying attention.

David,

P.S. Leslie is hanging around because she has no where else to go. Her own party doesn't even like her. What the heck would you do?
_________________________________

To: david@davidpepper.com
Fr: membersupport@man2man.com

RE: Your recent cancellation

Dear David,

We noticed that you recently canceled your subcription to Man2Man.com. If you were unhappy with our matchmaker services, please fill out the short survey attached to this email.

Thanks,

Phil McKrevis
Customer Service Manager
Man2Man, Inc.


To: membersupport@man2man.com
Fr: David Pepper

RE: Your recent cancellation

How can I cancel if I never subscribed in the first place?

David


To: david@davidpepper.com
Fr: membersupport@man2man.com

RE: Your recent cancellation

Whatever you say, Mr. Pepper.

Phil McKrevis
Customer Service Manager
Man2Man, Inc.
___________________________________________________

To: david@davidpepper.com
Fr: dean@deanofcincinnati.com

RE: Kimball Perry

David,

I've got Perry eating out of my hand. He writes a story about any little thing I give him.

Got any more dirt on Heimlich?

Signed,

The Dean



To: dean@deanofcincinnat.com
Fr: David Pepper

RE: Kimball Perry

Sorry, but since I was forced to admit I would have voted for Heimlich's jail plan, I really don't have much else to attack him on.

We're just going to have to make something up. Think big. Really big. Something like dragging a black mannequin through Over-the-Rhine using a car with "Heimlich for Commissioner" signs on it.

Call Kimball and tell him you heard a rumor about that. Then execute the plan later this week.

David
________________________________

To: david@davidpepper.com
Fr: MayorMcCheese@cincinnaticitycouncil.gov

RE: Thinking of you

Mr. Pooper,

I made this picture just for you.

Sincerely,

Mark Mallory

Attachment: readout.jpg





________________________________

To: MayorMcCheese@cincinnaticitycouncil.gov
Fr: David Pepper

RE: Thinking of you

Up yours, Mallory. Next time I see you, I'm kicking your ass. And your bodyguard's too.

David
_______________________________

That's enough reader mail for one day. As you can see, the gay jokes are really getting old. I know I deserve it, but I'm not really gay. I know, pink website and all that. Yeah yeah. Enough already. I'm perfectly comfortable with my sexuality whatever it's orientation.

Until tomorrow, this is David Pepper signing off.