I was great!

All I have to say is, I WAS AWESOME!!! I was so good on Monday night that I might be starring in my own episode of the Simpons soon.

I went to the public hearing last night for the jail tax proposed by my arch nemesis, Phil Heimlich. He's been working behind the scenes with his Republican cronies, and he’s been moving forward in such a way that he can claim he made progress on building the jail, developing the banks, bringing in new talent like Cirque du Soleil (how do they get those trapeeze guys into tights that size?), keeping government spending under the rate of inflation and all of these other great things, that I had to go do something to distract from all of his claimed success.

In fact, a lot of people have been asking me why I'm even running in the first place. The answer: I need a jay-oh-bee job, morons.

So I went to Phil’s public hearing last night in a bit of a rush, and without an alternative plan of my own. That’s right, my main goal wasn't to offer any positive solution, but rather to trash Phil Heimlich’s plan and avoid any discussion of my original (and admittedly lousy) idea of putting the jail in Colerain Township.

I got up and fooled all of those Westwood people into thinking I’m one of them. I was a master. I wish all of you could have seen me. I weaved a web of story telling that left the crowd mesmerized. I daresay I could have sold snake oil to a snake oils salesman, I could have sold ketchup popsicles to a woman wearing white gloves, I could have sold refridgerators to Eskimos. I was that good.

All of this talk of reducing crime is stupid. After all, I was chairman of City Council’s Law and Public Safety committee when our fair city saw the highest crime rates in three decades. Hell, I myself was a VICTIM of crime on two occassions, AND I’M STILL ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR DEMOCRATS IN THE REGION!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love me.

I just have to keep everyone distracted for the next two and a half months so that they don’t look at my abysmally poor performance in office. I really need this job because I do not ever want to work if I can help it. Getting a real job is as terrifying to me as wearing the same suit as John Cranberry to an anti-Wal-Mart rally.

I have to go, but I appreciate you checking in. If you have any suggestions on how I can continue fooling everyone into thinking I’m the man with the plan, the answers and all that other cool stuff, drop me a comment. As soon as I take office, I will take credit for everything Phil Heimlich moved forward as a County Commissioner.

I would thank God (if I believed in God) for making Phil Heimlich Commissioner so that I may have his successes to leach off during my first term, which would guarantee me a second term until I can start blaming all of the problems I’ll create on another commissioner. If that has to be my good friend Pat DeWine, so be it. I’ll use his help to get me elected and then stick it right to him after I’m in.

And if I fail this time around, the groundwork will be there for my assault on Patrick.

I love politics. I am sooooo good.

P.S. As the campaign heats up, check back here... I promise a lot more insightful posts about life on the campaign trail.

NEXT POST: Tune in next time when I post the transcript from a recent conversation with Leslie Ghiz about her stupid idea for the jail.