Master of Spin

The Master of Spin. That is what my staff has started calling me. I think it has a nice ring to it. I just hope the DJ at the bar I go to doesn’t get jealous.

Damn, I’m good. Heimlich inherited problems from past commissions that even my buddy Todd Portune did nothing about, he’s solved them, and I come along and make him responsible for all of the problems.

And my office staff thinks I’m the man, too! I walked into campaign HQ, which is VERY stylishly furnished (it’s to die for). Bridget and some of the other staffers were sitting around a conference table talking. As soon as I entered, the talking stopped. What RESPECT! I heard someone, I think it was Bridget, whisper something like “all hail the Master of Spin.” I mean, they’ve given me a title that sounds almost like royalty. I feel like Ariel from The Little Mermaid!

I am pretty sure I have everyone fooled about Phil Heimlich. I have to. It’s the only way I can win this thing and get a job where I don’t actually have to work. Could you imagine if voters rejected me AGAIN and my dad made me get a REAL job? I’d be screwed.

I have never felt more powerful even when I was the most popular city councilman in Cincinnati history. How many people have a staff that when they come by, all talking stops? When they come by, they all whisper in awe and utter things like “Master of Spin”, and “Scourge of Truth”?

I even heard one of my staffers compare me to Alexander Dumas (at least I heard him utter the famous author’s last name), writer of the Three Musketeers. Ah the three Musketeers. I love that film. Those guys were really tight. I could be like that with Todd Portune and John Cranley on the Commission. I would even submit to their wills if I could just be part of the club.

I know Leslie wants to be a County Commissioner, but she’s just going to have to wait. I already promised Cranberry that I would help him defeat Pat DeWine after he loses to that conservative kook with the bizarre wig, Steve Chabot. By the way, how can a man with his hair be a Congressman?!? It just makes me want to vomit. I hate when real people get to be politicians. I much prefer the fake, manufactured people like me and Cranberry – we are really the cat’s meow when it comes to politics.

I’ll write again soon. I will be riding this high that I am getting from staff respect for a while. I hope that someday you, dear reader, will be able to experience the type of awe and worship that I get from my staff. Perhaps every peasant voter in the county will someday view me as my workers do.

And like I promised, I'll post a transcript of a conversation with Leslie Ghiz.